When they get married, most people recite wedding vows in which they pledge commitment and loyalty to their new spouse till “death us do part.” We all long for such commitment and loyalty in our marriages. Yet, the tragedy of today’s world is that many couples, despite making such pledges, end up separating. Sadly, it has become a rare occurrence for couples to keep lifelong devotion to each other. Commitment and loyalty seem to be in short supply.
Commitment and loyalty are not confined to marital relationships. Such qualities are also reflected in relationships between lifelong friends, between college graduates and their “alma mater”, between veterans and the armed services, and between citizens and their countries. In the religious realm we see it reflected in the relationship between pious believers and their God.
Whether in relationship to a person, an institution, a country, or God, commitment and loyalty represent the giving of one's heart to someone or something that has become very important to us. It is an act of unselfishness where we care so deeply, we may be willing even to give our life.
Humans need to form and maintain relationships with others. Our hearts cannot develop properly unless we form attachments with others. Attachments require commitment and loyalty if they are to grow and develop. Therefore, making commitments and being loyal are important parts of being human.
Challenges to Loyalty and Commitment
Being committed and loyal to someone or something does not mean the relationship will be without challenges. Even the most loving couple or the closest friends have moments of difficulty in relating to each other. These difficulties can arise for a variety of reasons: different expectations, misunderstandings, bad habits, differences in tastes, or in the way to raise children (in the case of parents). In such circumstances, our commitment and loyalty to the other person is tested. If we are true, we remain with the person, seeking to work through the difficulties, even if it takes time and patience. In the process our character grows. Our emotional attachment and connection of heart to the other is likely to grow as well. We come to feel that our bond with the other person is stronger than the power of any conflict to break it.
Loyalty and commitment by themselves, however, are not necessarily the supreme virtues. There are such things as blind loyalty and blind commitment. They are not good things and can lead to much harm.
While we would say it is good to be loyal to one’s country, if the state is engaging in evil acts, true loyalty to the country requires condemning such actions. To be loyal to such governments would be a betrayal of the true interests of one’s country and would be in itself an evil act. If the object of loyalty is unworthy, blind loyalty is not true loyalty at all.
Likewise, there are times when our commitment leads to destructive ends. A good example of this is the "enabling" behavior of relatives of alcoholics. Some children and spouses of alcoholics do all the housework themselves, work extra jobs to make up for lost income due to the alcoholic's inability to work, or call in to the alcoholic's workplace and lie, saying the person is sick and can't come to work, instead of admitting he or she is drunk or hung over. This may seem like a commitment to helping the loved one, yet it is commitment to keeping an unbearable situation the same. Real commitment to the benefit of the other would mean confronting the person and making the person take responsibility for his or her own life.
However, under ordinary circumstances, most people need to practice more loyalty and commitment, not less. The rewards of loyalty and commitment are very great in that they deepen and enrich relationships to the point of making the relationships irreplaceable.
Forged in the Fire of Commitment
"I really meant my marriage vows," says Sally. "But they were hard to live up to. It turned out my husband had a very bad temper that he had hidden when we were engaged. It came out all the time at home, at me and at the children. I was miserable, and so were they, and I thought of walking out on the marriage many times. Still, my commitment held in place. I just couldn't imagine going against my beliefs and getting a divorce.
Over a period of time, I began to understand more clearly why he was so angry. I learned about the pain he had gone through in his life. I began to see my own faults, too, and how hard I was to live with. Yet he still stuck with me! Over time, I began to change toward him, to soften. And he started to change too. Suddenly we started laughing together sometimes—really having a good time. The children would laugh too. We began to appreciate each other's good qualities more. Our marriage and family life began to get better and better.
My advice? Don't give up. There's a light at the end of the tunnel if you keep trying. I wouldn't give up what we have now for the world—a lifelong partnership, till death do us part. I'm so glad we're together now. But what we have was forged in the fire of commitment."
Note: A scientific survey showed that couples who stay together even through tough times often end up "much happier" with their marriages a few years later.
How do we learn commitment and loyalty?
Some psychologists have theorized that we learn fidelity in marriage on the playground, when we are small children. If we stand up for our friends, wait for them, don't abandon them or throw them over for someone else, we are learning commitment and loyalty. It will strengthen our marriages later on.
Most surveys show that people consider "loyalty" to be the most important quality a friend can have. Since good marriages are deep friendships, loyalty is called for. How do you practice loyalty in your relationships? What does loyalty look like? Here are some examples of loyalty:
1. A group of your peers are gossiping about your good friend. You are tempted to join in the mean talk in order to belong to this group. Instead you say something very supportive about your friend, and then wait for the tone of the conversation to change from negative to positive or you walk away.
2. Your friend has been sad lately because of his parents' divorce. He's not doing as well as usual on his sports team, and people in the stands are beginning to murmur against him. You don't want to reveal everything he's confided in you, but you do defend him by letting it be known that he is going through a lot of family problems and so isn't playing well. People then become more sympathetic to him.
3. Your parents asked you to be home at ten. A new group of friends urges you to stay with them until ten thirty. They say your parents won't care, but you know your parents have a good reason for you to be home at the time they said. You firmly break away from your friends and show up at home on time.
4. You've been dating Cristina for six months. You've asked her not to date anyone else and promised that you wouldn't either. Good-looking Pamela sends you a note in history class, asking you to go out with her. Cristina and her family are going out of town next weekend—it's a perfect opportunity to go out with Pamela. Still, it could lead to real mess. Cristina would probably find out, and Pamela would have expectations of you after that. You write Pamela, saying, "Sorry. I'm dating Cristina."
How do you practice commitment?
The following scenarios might help explain.
1. You told your parents that if they let your friend stay overnight on Saturday, you would study all day Sunday for your test on Monday. They let you have the friend over. But now, Sunday afternoon, the weather is beautiful and some of your other friends have called and asked you to go to the park with them. Regretfully, you tell them you can't, and you get your studying done.
2. Rhonda asked you to come to her party. Even though Rhonda isn't one of your good friends, you agreed because you didn't have anything else to do that night. Then your best friend calls up and excitedly tells you that his dad got tickets for a professional soccer match through a raffle at work. It's the same night as Rhonda's party. Ouch! Reluctantly, you tell your friend that you have a previous commitment.
3. The teacher gave you a break on your missing term paper because she believed you when you said that you had done it but left it in another classroom. She gives you permission to go get it but tells you to hurry up, as she has to go somewhere else. Passing the gym on the way to your locker, some friends invite you to stop and shoot baskets. You want to, and for a moment you think that you can spare the time if you run all the rest of the way. You shake your head, though, because you owe it to the teacher and yourself to get the paper to her as soon as possible.
4. The coach says if you miss a practice, you can't play in the next game. You are supposed to show your commitment to the team, though, by showing up in uniform and watching the game from the bench. You missed a practice. You don't want to have to show up in uniform and just watch from the bench. You do it, though, to support your team.
Practicing commitment and loyalty—holding them up in your mind as things you believe in and want to live up to and then living up to them—is the way that they grow stronger in you until they become firm character strengths or virtues.
You may have noticed that practicing loyalty and commitment often means giving up something—sometimes something quite desirable. In the scenarios above, someone had to give up a date with a beautiful girl, tickets to a professional soccer match, and a good time with friends in the gym.
Being loyal and committed does mean missing out on some things at times. It means saying no to all the attractive temptations that would take you away from your other commitments you want to be loyal to. It means you can't have everything. An expression is: "You can't have your cake and eat it too." In other words, you can have some wonderful things in your life, but you can't have every wonderful thing that comes along. You can have a wonderful, loving spouse, for example, but that means saying no to all the other people in the world who might want a romantic relationship with you.
Commitment and loyalty also mean recognizing potential areas of weakness and compensating for them so as not to fall into temptation.
"I never hire a secretary that I could fall in love with," says one husband of twenty years. "I'm with my secretary all day, every day. Sometimes I have to travel with her. If I hire someone I find attractive, it could wreck my marriage. I always hire much older women to be my secretary. That way business stays business!"
A woman who has a problem with alcohol says, "I've promised myself and my kids I won't ever get drunk again. To me, that means I never set foot in a bar or liquor store again. There's no 'just looking' or no 'just one' for me. To keep my promise never to get drunk again, I have to stay away from alcohol completely."
As we grow we are developing a set of standards and beliefs. Most of us learn our ethics and values from our families of origin. All this is a foundation for our eventual marriage. If we share a common value system with our spouse that includes commitment and loyalty, we stand a good chance of achieving lifelong happiness together.
Lesson Plan Objectives
Cognitive: Students will understand the importance of commitment and loyalty in sustaining relationships.
Affective: Students will be determined to practice commitment and loyalty in their relationships.
Behavioral: Students will distinguish between loyal and disloyal, committed and uncommitted behavior when presented with scenarios. Student will describe the role of commitment in their own lives. Students will observe a committed and loyal couple and report on their interactions.
Class Session 1
Open the class by reminding students of the last lesson about making choices that affect our destinies. Explain that commitment and loyalty mean we have made some choices—we have chosen certain people, institutions, occupations, goals, or ideals to adhere to—we have chosen certain paths. Choosing to stay with them again and again, in spite of challenges, means we are truly committed and loyal.
Distinguish between blind loyalty and commitment, however. Mention that the text points out that a truly loyal patriot wants his or her country to be good and will work to help the country be good rather than accepting everything the country does as right.
Another example of blind commitment that is given is a family member so committed to “helping” an alcoholic in the family that, in fact, that family member is enabling the alcoholism by taking too much responsibility for the other person’s life.
Ask students to provide their own examples of blind loyalty or commitment.
Next, ask students how many of them want good relationships in their lives: good friendships, good family relationships, a happy marriage, and a good relationship with the children they will have in the future. The majority of students, if not all, will raise their hands.
Explain that loyalty and commitment are very necessary to develop relationships properly. While they may be very drawn to certain friends and companions and everything seems to just go along naturally, in every friendship there are times when commitment and loyalty are needed or else the friendship will not last. This is certainly true in marriage, which has been called “the passionate friendship.”
The five scenarios in their student books dealing with loyalty show how loyalty supports good relationships. As a class, go over all five and ask what the results might have been if the person in the scenario had not shown loyalty.
1. A group of your peers are talking about your good friend. You are tempted to join in the mean talk in order to belong to this group. Instead, you say something very supportive about your friend, and then wait for the tone of the conversation to change from negative to positive, or you walk away.
2. Your friend has been sad lately because of his parents' divorce. He's not doing as well as usual on the sports team he plays on, and people in the stands are beginning to murmur against him. You don't want to reveal everything he's confided in you, but you do defend him by letting it be known that he is going through a lot of family problems right now and so isn't playing well. People then become more sympathetic to him.
3. Your parents asked you to be home at ten. A new group of friends urges you to stay with them until ten thirty. They say your parents won't care, but you know your parents have a good reason for you to be home at the time they said. You firmly break away from your friends and show up at home on time.
4. You've been dating Cristina for six months. You've asked her not to date anyone else and promised that you wouldn't either. Good-looking Pamela sends you a note in history class, asking you to go out with her. Cristina and her family are going out of town next weekend—it's a perfect opportunity to go out with Pamela. Still, it could lead to a real mess. Cristina would probably find out, and Pamela would have expectations of you after that. You write Pamela back saying, “Sorry. I'm dating Cristina.”
The following scenarios in the student books demonstrate commitment. Go over them as a class and ask students what the possible results would be of not living up to the commitments in them.
1. You told your parents that if they let your friend stay overnight on Saturday, you would study all day Sunday for your test on Monday. They let you have the friend over. But now, Sunday afternoon, the weather is beautiful and some of your other friends have called and asked you to go to the park with them. Regretfully, you tell them you can't, and you get your studying done.
2. Rhonda asked you to come to her party. Even though Rhonda isn't one of your good friends, you agreed because you didn't have anything else to do that night. Then your best friend calls up and excitedly tells you that his dad got tickets for a professional soccer match through a raffle at work. It's the same night as Rhonda's party. Ouch! Reluctantly, you tell your friend that you have a previous commitment.
3. The teacher gave you a break on your missing term paper because she believed you that you had done it but left it in another classroom. She gives you permission to go get it but tells you to hurry up, as she has to go somewhere else. As you pass the gym on the way to your locker, some friends invite you to stop and shoot baskets. You want to, and for a moment you think that you can spare the time if you run all the rest of the way. You shake your head, though, because you owe it to the teacher and yourself to get the paper to her as soon as possible.
4. The coach says if you miss a practice, you can't play in the next game. You are supposed to show your commitment to the team, though, by showing up in uniform and watching the game from the bench. You missed a practice. You don't want to have to show up in uniform and just watch from the bench. You do it, though, to support your team.
Ask students to do the Reflection Exercise.
Reflection Exercise: “My Commitment”
Reflect on your life so far: Has there ever been someone or something to which you were strongly committed? What did it feel like? Do you still feel the same way, or have things changed? If they have changed, why? When you marry, do you expect to be able to make the same kind of commitment to your spouse? Can you imagine yourself in your old age, still together with your spouse, surrounded by your children and grandchildren?
Exercise: “Loyal Partners”
Find a married couple or longtime friends whom you admire for their special relationship. Spend some time with them, observing the nature of their relationship. How do they treat each other? Do they have disagreements? How do they handle them? Now talk with them and find out about their history together. Were they always so happy together? Did they have times of difficulty? How did they make it through those times? What roles did commitment and loyalty play?
Class Session 2
Check to see if students did the Exercise: “Loyal Partners” and ask anyone if they would like to share about the people they observed and spoke to.
Mention that, as they may have observed, loyalty and commitment are closely related to one another, and they are often intertwined. In general, loyalty is more to a person or group of people, and commitment is more to an idea, ideal, belief, or promise. However, the two often overlap in human relations.
For example, a husband may be loyal to his wife because he loves her, and he refuses to go-on a date with an attractive woman when he is out of town on business. But what if he just had a bad fight with his wife before he left for the out-of-town trip? He does not feel, at that moment, that he loves his wife and does not feel loyal toward her. In fact, he’s angry, and a part of him would like to get back at her for the mean things she said. However, his commitment to the idea of marriage saves him. He believes in fidelity as a condition of marriage. He honors marriage, so he honors the commitment he made to be faithful to his wife. This commitment saves him and his family from the pain that would follow if he went out with another woman.
Commitment and loyalty have the power to override feelings. Explain that feelings are as changeable as the weather. As young people, they have many hormones working in their bodies very strongly right now. They may feel very happy one moment and then tragically sad the next. People’s feelings and moods are affected by many things—hormones, weather, news in the newspaper, finances. Therefore, living life by how you feel in the moment is dangerous. Living life by the principles or virtues of commitment and loyalty enables a person to achieve and enjoy much more in the long run.
Ask students to take a few moments to reflect on their day so far from the point of view of feelings. Ask them to close their eyes. How did they feel when they first woke up this morning? Did their feelings change over breakfast or after a shower? How did they feel as they packed up their things and came to school? Were things different when they first saw their friends or classmates? Did anything happen—receiving praise from a teacher, learning that they had made the team, getting a low grade or hearing a mean remark from someone in the halls—to affect their mood throughout their school day so far?
Explain that we go through many moods and “ups and downs” throughout a day. We have many different feelings. Sometimes we don’t “feel” like doing our homework or listening in class or being nice to anyone. It is the same with adults. Even in the most agreeable jobs, there are days when a person doesn’t feel like going to work. Even in a good marriage, there are times when a person doesn’t feel like being with his or her spouse. In everyday life in the adult world, loyalty and commitment see people through so that they can receive the rewards and the joys of success in their jobs and personal relationships.
The definition of virtues is “character strengths.” Like any strength, having virtues like commitment and loyalty takes practice, like doing push-ups to strengthen one’s arms. However, once you are strong in things like commitment and loyalty, you will find that your life goes better all around—and they are especially important for life beyond school.
Questions for Reflection
1. Do you agree that loyalty and commitment are important in life?
2. What is an example of “blind loyalty”?
3. What is an example of “blind commitment”?
4. In the scenarios about loyalty, did you find yourself surprised at the loyal choices the characters made? Would you have made the same choices?
5. In the scenarios about commitment, did you find yourself surprised at the committed choices the characters made? Would you have made the same choices?
6. What is your reaction to the story “Forged in the Fire of Commitment”? Do you think Sally should have divorced her husband?
7. What are some areas of weakness you have that could hurt your ability to be loyal and committed? What actions can you take to shore up these areas of weakness?
8. What does the expression “You can't have your cake and eat it too” mean in relationship to loyalty and commitment?
9. What does being loyal and committed to a spouse mean giving up?
10. What are some rewards of loyalty and commitment?
- challenges
- character
- character education
- commitment
- compassion
- conflict resolution
- contentment
- cooperation
- courage
- decision-making
- encouragement
- filial piety
- goals
- gratitude
- healthy families
- healthy lifestyle
- integrity
- kindness
- leadership
- life goals
- loyalty
- marriage
- meaningful life
- moral education
- perseverance
- politeness
- relationship skills
- religion
- respect
- responsibility
- self-awareness
- self-improvement
- service
- sexuality
- social awareness
- sportsmanship
- teamwork
- tolerance
- trustworthiness
ReadingsTable of Contents
Commitment and loyalty are not confined to marital relationships. Such qualities are also reflected in relationships between lifelong friends, between college graduates and their “alma mater”, between veterans and the armed services, and between citizens and their countries. In the religious realm we see it reflected in the relationship between pious believers and their God.
Whether in relationship to a person, an institution, a country, or God, commitment and loyalty represent the giving of one's heart to someone or something that has become very important to us. It is an act of unselfishness where we care so deeply, we may be willing even to give our life.
Humans need to form and maintain relationships with others. Our hearts cannot develop properly unless we form attachments with others. Attachments require commitment and loyalty if they are to grow and develop. Therefore, making commitments and being loyal are important parts of being human.
Challenges to Loyalty and Commitment
Being committed and loyal to someone or something does not mean the relationship will be without challenges. Even the most loving couple or the closest friends have moments of difficulty in relating to each other. These difficulties can arise for a variety of reasons: different expectations, misunderstandings, bad habits, differences in tastes, or in the way to raise children (in the case of parents). In such circumstances, our commitment and loyalty to the other person is tested. If we are true, we remain with the person, seeking to work through the difficulties, even if it takes time and patience. In the process our character grows. Our emotional attachment and connection of heart to the other is likely to grow as well. We come to feel that our bond with the other person is stronger than the power of any conflict to break it.Loyalty and commitment by themselves, however, are not necessarily the supreme virtues. There are such things as blind loyalty and blind commitment. They are not good things and can lead to much harm.
While we would say it is good to be loyal to one’s country, if the state is engaging in evil acts, true loyalty to the country requires condemning such actions. To be loyal to such governments would be a betrayal of the true interests of one’s country and would be in itself an evil act. If the object of loyalty is unworthy, blind loyalty is not true loyalty at all.
Likewise, there are times when our commitment leads to destructive ends. A good example of this is the "enabling" behavior of relatives of alcoholics. Some children and spouses of alcoholics do all the housework themselves, work extra jobs to make up for lost income due to the alcoholic's inability to work, or call in to the alcoholic's workplace and lie, saying the person is sick and can't come to work, instead of admitting he or she is drunk or hung over. This may seem like a commitment to helping the loved one, yet it is commitment to keeping an unbearable situation the same. Real commitment to the benefit of the other would mean confronting the person and making the person take responsibility for his or her own life.
However, under ordinary circumstances, most people need to practice more loyalty and commitment, not less. The rewards of loyalty and commitment are very great in that they deepen and enrich relationships to the point of making the relationships irreplaceable.
Forged in the Fire of Commitment
"I really meant my marriage vows," says Sally. "But they were hard to live up to. It turned out my husband had a very bad temper that he had hidden when we were engaged. It came out all the time at home, at me and at the children. I was miserable, and so were they, and I thought of walking out on the marriage many times. Still, my commitment held in place. I just couldn't imagine going against my beliefs and getting a divorce.
Over a period of time, I began to understand more clearly why he was so angry. I learned about the pain he had gone through in his life. I began to see my own faults, too, and how hard I was to live with. Yet he still stuck with me! Over time, I began to change toward him, to soften. And he started to change too. Suddenly we started laughing together sometimes—really having a good time. The children would laugh too. We began to appreciate each other's good qualities more. Our marriage and family life began to get better and better.
My advice? Don't give up. There's a light at the end of the tunnel if you keep trying. I wouldn't give up what we have now for the world—a lifelong partnership, till death do us part. I'm so glad we're together now. But what we have was forged in the fire of commitment."
Note: A scientific survey showed that couples who stay together even through tough times often end up "much happier" with their marriages a few years later.
How do we learn commitment and loyalty?
Some psychologists have theorized that we learn fidelity in marriage on the playground, when we are small children. If we stand up for our friends, wait for them, don't abandon them or throw them over for someone else, we are learning commitment and loyalty. It will strengthen our marriages later on.Most surveys show that people consider "loyalty" to be the most important quality a friend can have. Since good marriages are deep friendships, loyalty is called for.
How do you practice loyalty in your relationships? What does loyalty look like? Here are some examples of loyalty:
1. A group of your peers are gossiping about your good friend. You are tempted to join in the mean talk in order to belong to this group. Instead you say something very supportive about your friend, and then wait for the tone of the conversation to change from negative to positive or you walk away.
2. Your friend has been sad lately because of his parents' divorce. He's not doing as well as usual on his sports team, and people in the stands are beginning to murmur against him. You don't want to reveal everything he's confided in you, but you do defend him by letting it be known that he is going through a lot of family problems and so isn't playing well. People then become more sympathetic to him.
3. Your parents asked you to be home at ten. A new group of friends urges you to stay with them until ten thirty. They say your parents won't care, but you know your parents have a good reason for you to be home at the time they said. You firmly break away from your friends and show up at home on time.
4. You've been dating Cristina for six months. You've asked her not to date anyone else and promised that you wouldn't either. Good-looking Pamela sends you a note in history class, asking you to go out with her. Cristina and her family are going out of town next weekend—it's a perfect opportunity to go out with Pamela. Still, it could lead to real mess. Cristina would probably find out, and Pamela would have expectations of you after that. You write Pamela, saying, "Sorry. I'm dating Cristina."
How do you practice commitment?
The following scenarios might help explain.1. You told your parents that if they let your friend stay overnight on Saturday, you would study all day Sunday for your test on Monday. They let you have the friend over. But now, Sunday afternoon, the weather is beautiful and some of your other friends have called and asked you to go to the park with them. Regretfully, you tell them you can't, and you get your studying done.
2. Rhonda asked you to come to her party. Even though Rhonda isn't one of your good friends, you agreed because you didn't have anything else to do that night. Then your best friend calls up and excitedly tells you that his dad got tickets for a professional soccer match through a raffle at work. It's the same night as Rhonda's party. Ouch! Reluctantly, you tell your friend that you have a previous commitment.
3. The teacher gave you a break on your missing term paper because she believed you when you said that you had done it but left it in another classroom. She gives you permission to go get it but tells you to hurry up, as she has to go somewhere else. Passing the gym on the way to your locker, some friends invite you to stop and shoot baskets. You want to, and for a moment you think that you can spare the time if you run all the rest of the way. You shake your head, though, because you owe it to the teacher and yourself to get the paper to her as soon as possible.
4. The coach says if you miss a practice, you can't play in the next game. You are supposed to show your commitment to the team, though, by showing up in uniform and watching the game from the bench. You missed a practice. You don't want to have to show up in uniform and just watch from the bench. You do it, though, to support your team.
Practicing commitment and loyalty—holding them up in your mind as things you believe in and want to live up to and then living up to them—is the way that they grow stronger in you until they become firm character strengths or virtues.
You may have noticed that practicing loyalty and commitment often means giving up something—sometimes something quite desirable. In the scenarios above, someone had to give up a date with a beautiful girl, tickets to a professional soccer match, and a good time with friends in the gym.
Being loyal and committed does mean missing out on some things at times. It means saying no to all the attractive temptations that would take you away from your other commitments you want to be loyal to. It means you can't have everything. An expression is: "You can't have your cake and eat it too." In other words, you can have some wonderful things in your life, but you can't have every wonderful thing that comes along. You can have a wonderful, loving spouse, for example, but that means saying no to all the other people in the world who might want a romantic relationship with you.
Commitment and loyalty also mean recognizing potential areas of weakness and compensating for them so as not to fall into temptation.
"I never hire a secretary that I could fall in love with," says one husband of twenty years. "I'm with my secretary all day, every day. Sometimes I have to travel with her. If I hire someone I find attractive, it could wreck my marriage. I always hire much older women to be my secretary. That way business stays business!"
A woman who has a problem with alcohol says, "I've promised myself and my kids I won't ever get drunk again. To me, that means I never set foot in a bar or liquor store again. There's no 'just looking' or no 'just one' for me. To keep my promise never to get drunk again, I have to stay away from alcohol completely."
As we grow we are developing a set of standards and beliefs. Most of us learn our ethics and values from our families of origin. All this is a foundation for our eventual marriage. If we share a common value system with our spouse that includes commitment and loyalty, we stand a good chance of achieving lifelong happiness together.
Lesson Plan Objectives
Cognitive: Students will understand the importance of commitment and loyalty in sustaining relationships.Affective: Students will be determined to practice commitment and loyalty in their relationships.
Behavioral: Students will distinguish between loyal and disloyal, committed and uncommitted behavior when presented with scenarios. Student will describe the role of commitment in their own lives. Students will observe a committed and loyal couple and report on their interactions.
Class Session 1
Open the class by reminding students of the last lesson about making choices that affect our destinies. Explain that commitment and loyalty mean we have made some choices—we have chosen certain people, institutions, occupations, goals, or ideals to adhere to—we have chosen certain paths. Choosing to stay with them again and again, in spite of challenges, means we are truly committed and loyal.Distinguish between blind loyalty and commitment, however. Mention that the text points out that a truly loyal patriot wants his or her country to be good and will work to help the country be good rather than accepting everything the country does as right.
Another example of blind commitment that is given is a family member so committed to “helping” an alcoholic in the family that, in fact, that family member is enabling the alcoholism by taking too much responsibility for the other person’s life.
Ask students to provide their own examples of blind loyalty or commitment.
Next, ask students how many of them want good relationships in their lives: good friendships, good family relationships, a happy marriage, and a good relationship with the children they will have in the future. The majority of students, if not all, will raise their hands.
Explain that loyalty and commitment are very necessary to develop relationships properly. While they may be very drawn to certain friends and companions and everything seems to just go along naturally, in every friendship there are times when commitment and loyalty are needed or else the friendship will not last. This is certainly true in marriage, which has been called “the passionate friendship.”
The five scenarios in their student books dealing with loyalty show how loyalty supports good relationships. As a class, go over all five and ask what the results might have been if the person in the scenario had not shown loyalty.
1. A group of your peers are talking about your good friend. You are tempted to join in the mean talk in order to belong to this group. Instead, you say something very supportive about your friend, and then wait for the tone of the conversation to change from negative to positive, or you walk away.
2. Your friend has been sad lately because of his parents' divorce. He's not doing as well as usual on the sports team he plays on, and people in the stands are beginning to murmur against him. You don't want to reveal everything he's confided in you, but you do defend him by letting it be known that he is going through a lot of family problems right now and so isn't playing well. People then become more sympathetic to him.
3. Your parents asked you to be home at ten. A new group of friends urges you to stay with them until ten thirty. They say your parents won't care, but you know your parents have a good reason for you to be home at the time they said. You firmly break away from your friends and show up at home on time.
4. You've been dating Cristina for six months. You've asked her not to date anyone else and promised that you wouldn't either. Good-looking Pamela sends you a note in history class, asking you to go out with her. Cristina and her family are going out of town next weekend—it's a perfect opportunity to go out with Pamela. Still, it could lead to a real mess. Cristina would probably find out, and Pamela would have expectations of you after that. You write Pamela back saying, “Sorry. I'm dating Cristina.”
The following scenarios in the student books demonstrate commitment. Go over them as a class and ask students what the possible results would be of not living up to the commitments in them.
1. You told your parents that if they let your friend stay overnight on Saturday, you would study all day Sunday for your test on Monday. They let you have the friend over. But now, Sunday afternoon, the weather is beautiful and some of your other friends have called and asked you to go to the park with them. Regretfully, you tell them you can't, and you get your studying done.
2. Rhonda asked you to come to her party. Even though Rhonda isn't one of your good friends, you agreed because you didn't have anything else to do that night. Then your best friend calls up and excitedly tells you that his dad got tickets for a professional soccer match through a raffle at work. It's the same night as Rhonda's party. Ouch! Reluctantly, you tell your friend that you have a previous commitment.
3. The teacher gave you a break on your missing term paper because she believed you that you had done it but left it in another classroom. She gives you permission to go get it but tells you to hurry up, as she has to go somewhere else. As you pass the gym on the way to your locker, some friends invite you to stop and shoot baskets. You want to, and for a moment you think that you can spare the time if you run all the rest of the way. You shake your head, though, because you owe it to the teacher and yourself to get the paper to her as soon as possible.
4. The coach says if you miss a practice, you can't play in the next game. You are supposed to show your commitment to the team, though, by showing up in uniform and watching the game from the bench. You missed a practice. You don't want to have to show up in uniform and just watch from the bench. You do it, though, to support your team.
Ask students to do the Reflection Exercise.
Reflection Exercise: “My Commitment”
Reflect on your life so far: Has there ever been someone or something to which you were strongly committed? What did it feel like? Do you still feel the same way, or have things changed? If they have changed, why? When you marry, do you expect to be able to make the same kind of commitment to your spouse? Can you imagine yourself in your old age, still together with your spouse, surrounded by your children and grandchildren?
Exercise: “Loyal Partners”
Find a married couple or longtime friends whom you admire for their special relationship. Spend some time with them, observing the nature of their relationship. How do they treat each other? Do they have disagreements? How do they handle them? Now talk with them and find out about their history together. Were they always so happy together? Did they have times of difficulty? How did they make it through those times? What roles did commitment and loyalty play?Class Session 2
Check to see if students did the Exercise: “Loyal Partners” and ask anyone if they would like to share about the people they observed and spoke to.Mention that, as they may have observed, loyalty and commitment are closely related to one another, and they are often intertwined. In general, loyalty is more to a person or group of people, and commitment is more to an idea, ideal, belief, or promise. However, the two often overlap in human relations.
For example, a husband may be loyal to his wife because he loves her, and he refuses to go-on a date with an attractive woman when he is out of town on business. But what if he just had a bad fight with his wife before he left for the out-of-town trip? He does not feel, at that moment, that he loves his wife and does not feel loyal toward her. In fact, he’s angry, and a part of him would like to get back at her for the mean things she said. However, his commitment to the idea of marriage saves him. He believes in fidelity as a condition of marriage. He honors marriage, so he honors the commitment he made to be faithful to his wife. This commitment saves him and his family from the pain that would follow if he went out with another woman.
Commitment and loyalty have the power to override feelings. Explain that feelings are as changeable as the weather. As young people, they have many hormones working in their bodies very strongly right now. They may feel very happy one moment and then tragically sad the next. People’s feelings and moods are affected by many things—hormones, weather, news in the newspaper, finances. Therefore, living life by how you feel in the moment is dangerous. Living life by the principles or virtues of commitment and loyalty enables a person to achieve and enjoy much more in the long run.
Ask students to take a few moments to reflect on their day so far from the point of view of feelings. Ask them to close their eyes. How did they feel when they first woke up this morning? Did their feelings change over breakfast or after a shower? How did they feel as they packed up their things and came to school? Were things different when they first saw their friends or classmates? Did anything happen—receiving praise from a teacher, learning that they had made the team, getting a low grade or hearing a mean remark from someone in the halls—to affect their mood throughout their school day so far?
Explain that we go through many moods and “ups and downs” throughout a day. We have many different feelings. Sometimes we don’t “feel” like doing our homework or listening in class or being nice to anyone. It is the same with adults. Even in the most agreeable jobs, there are days when a person doesn’t feel like going to work. Even in a good marriage, there are times when a person doesn’t feel like being with his or her spouse. In everyday life in the adult world, loyalty and commitment see people through so that they can receive the rewards and the joys of success in their jobs and personal relationships.
The definition of virtues is “character strengths.” Like any strength, having virtues like commitment and loyalty takes practice, like doing push-ups to strengthen one’s arms. However, once you are strong in things like commitment and loyalty, you will find that your life goes better all around—and they are especially important for life beyond school.
Questions for Reflection
1. Do you agree that loyalty and commitment are important in life?2. What is an example of “blind loyalty”?
3. What is an example of “blind commitment”?
4. In the scenarios about loyalty, did you find yourself surprised at the loyal choices the characters made? Would you have made the same choices?
5. In the scenarios about commitment, did you find yourself surprised at the committed choices the characters made? Would you have made the same choices?
6. What is your reaction to the story “Forged in the Fire of Commitment”? Do you think Sally should have divorced her husband?
7. What are some areas of weakness you have that could hurt your ability to be loyal and committed? What actions can you take to shore up these areas of weakness?
8. What does the expression “You can't have your cake and eat it too” mean in relationship to loyalty and commitment?
9. What does being loyal and committed to a spouse mean giving up?
10. What are some rewards of loyalty and commitment?